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The Thinking that Feels Home Now 

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man-159771_1280I am a strange creature who thinks ceaselessly. The buzz does not stop. I wait for the night for it to calm down, but that is when it actually stimulates. Sometimes it feels like some sort of a disorder that needs to be fixed. But, on the other hand, it has become the routine, the home that I don’t want to leave. It feels good to be at home even if it is not one’s own.

The current state I am in is that to no think and not wonder is to leave the home, which is to cease to exist, emotionally at least. But think and wonder about what though? About everything. The people on the street. Their lives and stories. Happiness and sadness. What they think about the moment I see them. What do they think about me? The questions get harder and the answers difficult to find. And then I lose interest, but keep wondering.

What I realize is that I can’t know them, or know them enough. Perhaps, I will never. I also realize that to know them is to maybe dig deeper within and find out a word or two about myself first. The maze of my inner world appears to be even a bigger, tangled mess. I discover that the different parts of the mind are extremely unfriendly at coordination. Trying to focus on a singular thought requires cutting through the irrelevant, bossy hodgepodge. The noise, the chatter that is there to prevent you from thinking clearly and purposefully.

This futile exercise in clear thinking sometimes feels like the untying of the kite’s line from the shrubs in the village where I used to fly. The line used to get stuck at countless corner, and so the kite flying adventure more often turned out to be untying the knots than flying. This is strange stuff but I am trying to make sense of it myself.

But untying these very knots of the mind, if one pays a close attention to, gives them some perspective, if not a full view of the picture about others and the world. One comes to know that to think is to get across the ceaseless and disruptive patch of noise. Sadly, many of us get stuck in the patch and never make it across because to dare to go through it is to confront the beast of fear and anxiety that for many is so rampant.

The beast becomes rambunctious if you argue with it. It feels important if you pay attention to it. It gets competitive if you try to beat it. If you try to quash it, it will come at you full of fear and fury. Let it glide on the fringes of the mind while you take control. Don’t advertise it to the beast that you are in control because the one thing it hates the most is the challenge. Don’t challenge. But be aware that you are in control because you are in the driving seat of consciousness. You are the subject and the beast the object because you can see what it does and not the other way around.

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